Aaron Riveroll | Photographer

It may come as a surprise to all of you that I keep a journal. No duh, right? Isn’t a blog a journal? Well, I actually keep a written journal. I have problems talking about things that are remotely personal…I guess that comes with being a really closed person. As much as I love those that are closest to me (and you know who you are…) I hate the idea of burdening them with stupid trivialities. I know that’s what friends are for…and I always make myself available to them…but I just have never been able to put it all out there. I know that seems a little one-sided…but there you have it.

So anyway…I have this journal. And I haven’t written in it since like last January. Pretty ridiculous and sad. And it’s almost sort of frightening to go back and read some of the stuff you’ve written. I have to admit, I’m pretty clever with the prose once in a blue moon…but dude, some of the stuff I write. It’s not HOW I write it…it’s what I write about. The random thoughts that go through my head. The crushes I have. The feelings I feel. It’s all so…random. For instance, I decided to plug in another entry tonight since I don’t feel like sleeping and then I hesitantly decided to flip through the past pages and see what I thought was so interesting at the time that it had to be committed to paper. I wrote about Hawaii. The hot nurses. Cute colleagues. I wrote about some random chick I met ONCE and crushed on. Laaaame! I wrote about being cynical. Being alone. Being in love. I wrote about how I met significant people in my life. It was all sort of interesting. Not as scary as I thought it was.

It’s sort of fun (and funny) to read about your past. A few weeks ago, I picked up a journal I wrote eight years ago while on tour in Scandinavia…and it was interesting to read details that I can totally remember so vividly, but hadn’t thought of in eight years.

Granted, some things should just stay in the past…but sometimes, it’s entertaining to see how you’ve grown and what you used to think was important. It’s sort of weird to see how you’ve changed…because we all undoubtedly change. Hopefully, while on the road to adulthood (yes, I’m still on that road…), we all grow up a little. In more ways than one…

A couple of favorite quotes…

“I know I’m not perfect…so it should be no surprise when I say that I can be a total jerk sometimes.”

“I was actually thinking (on the pot, where most of my good ideas are born)…”

“…so she mentions on her [MySpace] page that she LOVES Mexican food – a fact that was slightly understated during our Mexican food outing on Wednesday. Now, she doesn’t like cheese…but I’m willing to overlook that since she craves the food of my people.”

I did a lot of growing in the last year. I wrote about friends getting married…and the last Thanksgiving with Pipa. I wrote about how Estee Lauder’s Pleasures makes me think of Jen. And I wrote about how I can be a jerk…

BLUE LIKE JAZZ

So I bought Searching for God Knows What a month or so ago and thought that before I read it, I would re-read Blue Like Jazz…both books written by the talented Donald Miller. I first read Blue Like Jazz three years ago…and I remember that as I read it, it was as if he was writing to me. Every chapter, every page, addressed thoughts and feelings I had at one point or another. It was sort of creepy. And sort of cool. I’ve recommended this book to almost everyone I know.

So when I picked up the book again yesterday for the first time in three years, I figured it would be entertaining and fun to read again…but I am ultimately an older person now. I’m not the same person I was three years ago. I have grown…and I am dealing with different problems and feelings and thoughts. But as I finished the first chapter, I was like, “damn…he did it again.” It was like he was writing to me all over again.

In the first chapter, Miller talks about his first encounter with God. He uses this anecdote recalling a Christmas when he was 13. Basically, without retelling the story (since I’m not Donald Miller and it’s more interesting to read his account than my crappy version of it…), he learns 1) we aren’t alone…people-wise, not like “aliens-from-another-planet” wise and 2) our actions, large and small, have huge effects on the people in our lives.

Now, this isn’t earth-shattering stuff. It’s actually pretty basic and sort of elementary. But seriously, when was the last time you thought, “How is this going to effect [insert name here]?” before saying or doing something?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Me too.

Truth is, we rarely think about other people because we are too busy thinking about ourselves and how it will effect US. And it’s not because we are totally selfish or deliberately inconsiderate people. In fact, we may be the most thoughtful people ever. But we just don’t look at the big picture sometimes.

This has been huge for me.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about attending church again. I wrote about how I perceived I was treating people. This realization all happened while I was praying…for others. As I prayed, I thought about how I may have been treating people a certain way…based on a reaction to my feelings. Without going into too much detail (since this wouldn’t be my blog if it had details or specific personal references…), I have a friend who I think I treated badly. Be it intentionally or unintentionally, they didn’t deserve it. Feelings may or may have not been hurt…this isn’t a highly traumatic event or anything like that…it’s purely dramatized for effect. :) But the truth is, I may have been the cause of some unhappiness. And that’s the whole point of Chapter One.

Bottom line is we effect the people in our lives. We have the control to make them happy…and to make them unhappy. And so of course, we should make them happy, right? Why shouldn’t we? We should make a conscious effort to put other people’s feelings in front of our own. Make an effort to stop being a dick. Or schlong, or other slang term you want to use to describe being an person of unpleasant demeanor. I guess the bottom line is to look at how we effect people…and make every effort to be the good, pleasant, happy thing in their life.

And if we all did that, what a wonderful world this would be.

Now, let’s all dance around in a meadow.