I am in an interesting mood right now. I started writing a letter to a friend I had just seen a few hours ago; but yet, I stopped because it was pathetic. So then I resorted to the vast hole that is MySpace, yet I found myself looking, staring, lost, confused. More confused than anything [...]
I am in an interesting mood right now. I started writing a letter to a friend I had just seen a few hours ago; but yet, I stopped because it was pathetic. So then I resorted to the vast hole that is MySpace, yet I found myself looking, staring, lost, confused. More confused than anything else.
This same friend (to whom I started writing) wrote in her blog some of the things that I have been feeling for a while. It seems we are going through some of the same stuff, emotion-wise. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not the greatest friend; my closest friends sometimes get annoyed at how closed I am. Here I am thinking I am as open as I can possibly be, yet there things going on inside my head and my heart that you wouldn’t even believe. A battle raging. I just can’t find the way to share, to open myself to vunerability. Maybe, in a sense, I feel I’m softening the blow by building walls; setting myself up for the worst. I’ve been disappointed many times in my life (who hasn’t), but I think it’s made me become this person who always expects the worst. I let myself have this glimmer, this miniscule, tiny bit of hope…I don’t climb as high as I can because I figure if I fall, I won’t have that far to go.
Let me give you some examples from my past…there was a girl in junior high and her name was Sarah. We were in choir and art together. She was a cool chick. Very cool. Ultra cool. But for some reason, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized that the feelings I had for her were actually more. A crush, if you will. I didn’t admit it because maybe I thought it was insignificant. Or maybe I was afraid to admit to myself, and to the world, that I had feelings for this person. They were small feelings, but they were feelings…and I just ignored them and waved them away, like a fly buzzing in my ear. It’s like they weren’t even there because I missed my chance. But that was a long time ago. We were still good friends and maybe I just let it stay that way because things were comfortable. Maybe I was afraid of loosing what I had? Maybe I thought these feelings were so insignificant that they weren’t worth mentioning.
I think it’s the last one. I think it’s because I didn’t want to start a hoopla over something that probably wouldn’t pan out. There’s a song from the movie Dick Tracy called “What can you lose?” that covers this topic nicely:
What can you lose?
Only the blues.
Why keep concealing everything you’re feeling?
Say it to her, what can you lose?
Maybe it shows,
She’s had clues, which she chose to ignore.
Maybe though she knows,
And just wants to go on as before.
As a friend, nothing more
So she closes the door.Well, if she does
Those are the dues.
Once the words are spoken,
Something may be broken.
Still, you love her
What can you lose?But what if she goes?
At least now, you have part of her.
What if she had to choose?Leave it alone
Hold it all in.
Better a bone
Don’t even begin.
With so much to win,
There’s too much to lose.
These days I’m up to the same old tricks. Again, there is a cool girl in the picture. She’s hot too. Yes, it’s logisitcally possible to be both. :) But for the first time in the many years I’ve known her, I’ve only recently admited to myself that I *might* have feelings for her. I’ve always told myself she was “like a sister to me.” Ugh! Those are the same, dreaded words that the nice guy always hears. What was I thinking?!? :)
Now, don’t misinterpret the above paragraph for infatuation by any means. Well, perhaps a little bit of infatuation. :) Maybe more than just infatuation, too. These feelings have been around for a while and are only recently being talked about, discussed, and admitted. And all that just to say I am not as open of a book as I thought I was.
And what’s my major malfunction this time? What has become the excuse? Is she too good for me? (Well, she is, but that’s beside the point). Not my type? I’ve used that excuse a million times. Or maybe I don’t want to make a big deal about it? Why talk to my friends about it? It’s not that they’ll be judgemental (they never have been), but maybe it’s because when I finally admit it to them, I’m admitting it to myself. It makes it real. And at that point, I’m setting myself up for disappointment. Maybe I’m afraid she’ll get wind of my feelings and freak out like many other girls have in the past (which is funny, because I saw one such girl in passing this weekend…but that’s another story altogether…)
I’ve talked myself out of this one too long, I think. But just like all my other personality flaws (I admit I have them), who knows if this is something that can be fixed??
But it’ll be interesting to see, though, won’t it? Stick around for the next chapter.