Yes, yes … it is true. Let me give you a minute to recover from the shock. Okay … I realized tonight what one of my many flaws are. Every so often, I have these breakthrough moments when I realize a flaw, a pet peeve, or some other personality quirk. Tonight, it was my fear [...]
Yes, yes … it is true. Let me give you a minute to recover from the shock. Okay … I realized tonight what one of my many flaws are. Every so often, I have these breakthrough moments when I realize a flaw, a pet peeve, or some other personality quirk. Tonight, it was my fear of being vulnerable. I don’t like to admit it, probably because of my recently-discovered fear of being vulnerable. :) Let me start from the beginning …
When I’m with a girl that I find attractive or drawn to, I put on this facade of confidence … In other words, not being me. There’s nothing wrong with being confident; but not being me is a totally different story. I’m a nice guy … and I guess I always will be. I think recently I’ve been trying to hide it because being the Nice Guy has not worked for me in the past. I guess I have also given up on “love,” so to speak. Now, I really hope that’s not true … but it sure feels like it is. Why can’t I be honest with myself? Why can’t I be honest with girls that mean a lot to me? Vulnerability.
Vulnerability means letting my guard down, setting myself up to get hurt. It’s happened to me before. I guess by being a “not-so-nice” guy and by distancing myself, I reduce the chances of a broken heart.
I think this is also why I’m not as open as I think I am. I tend to close myself off, to distance myself from friends, to bottle things up inside … like tonight. Knowing full well that something was bothering me, I chose to hold it in rather than talk to someone about it. That’s my usual MO. Letting someone in on the fact that I’m human sets me up for vulnerability. It makes my problems more real. It’s like to admitting defeat, in a way.
But, I guess I’m human. So sue me.